7 TEAMS...MULTIPLE FAILS
CROSSBIRDZ 3V3
A RETURN TO CASTLE WOLFENSTEIN LEAGUE
WHAT FUELS A LEANPOCKET?
An interview with Ambiguously Gay Trio's unambiguous 3rd man.
Corpus Christi, TX. (Crossbirdz Weekly)
I'm not a workout warrior, and I'm not from Texas. I've also held a grudge against that state ever since the early 2000's where I sweated my ass off in camoflauge pajamas and drank what must have been 400 gallons of water out of a smelly canteen. But alas, I'm a slave to Crossbirdz Weekly, and Texas is arguably better than Missouri or "Patriot Nation". So when I received notice that Jase Athey was spotted in Corpus Christi, covered in sweat from a recent workout, I made haste to snatch up what could be the greatest interview of all time.
Ambiguously Gay Trio has become somewhat of a phenomenon in the Crossbirdz 3v3 Cup. Through five weeks of gameplay, the Trio have dispatched every opponent in their way, and it hasn't been pretty. Their fiercest competition so far, BRNGNV's took them to the edge of their seat with multiple full holds, crazy doc runs and exciting teamwork, but AGT prevailed. Leanpocket's contribution to his teams success hasn't been overlooked; he's been a close tie for most of his teams MVP votes, and came in a close second place to MVP of the Week for week 2. He has led his team in kills most weeks.
By the time I arrived to do the interview, Leanpocket had obviously cleaned up and was taking a quick lunch break. It was still hot as balls, though, but as a true reporter I did my best to brave the elements of Texas and plow through this interview like a champion of the press.
CROSSBIRDZ WEEKLY: You guys are one of the last undefeated teams coming into the last stretch of the season. How would you rate your team and personal performance so far?
LEANPOCKET: That's a good question, although our record shows a perfect record thus far, we are far from perfect with lots of room for improvement; with that being said, our ability to adapt really sets us apart. If I had a rate us as a team, we'd definitely be at the top. From a personal performance perspective, I'm definitely tied with spuddy as the weak link. I sometimes find myself out of rhythm with my aim, and I just can't win most 1 on 1 gun fights. That's definitely an area I need to improve on. My coms and support have been my strength so far this season.
CW: You're on a team with some interesting....um, characters. How would you describe your teammates and team dynamic?
LEANPOCKET: Oh my, where to begin..,Troll is definitely a character, but he's a team player; he's his worst critic and committed to excellence...Spuddy, same as above, but he needs to ditch the flip phone and Facebook mobile ver1.0. We can't group message or sext him, but he is punctual and very informative on mumble. All business once he shows up. As a collective we jive very well, and are on the same page most of the time. Until mumble crashes or Ts (or dead eye) magically mutes troll. We respect each others opinions and always willing to compromise to win a match.
I sipped (ok, chugged) my gloriously cold Monster Import drink. This heat...my god this heat...it's time for creepy mode.
CW: You've obviously spent some time at the gym with all the heavy lifting you do for your team. If a scrawny (but crazy attractive) guy like me walks into the gym, do you point and laugh or do you give him some workout advice? Or both?
This dude is ripped. I want to look like him. Be him. Walk like him. Talk like him. Drive his car...like him. Okay, keep it cool...
LEANPOCKET: Haha, most of the time I keep my comments to myself. I used to be overweight and scrawny, so I can relate, but sometimes the weasels hog all the weights and that makes lean angry. But with that being said, I preach to lift safely.. So if I see incorrect form, I do intervene for their safety. Some ask for advice, and I give it accordingly.
This is awkward. He knows I'm a weasel. Shit...just try to keep flexing all the time so he's impressed.
CW: (coughs). What's your favorite lunch time meal?
LEANPOCKET: (Clearly noticing me flexing) Rip cycle: grilled salmon over jasmine rice and steamed broccoli. Served with orange juice. Bulk cycle: Mongolian stir fry, mixed with steak, turkey, and gengis marinated chicken and fried rice.
CW: You're onstage for "America's Got Talent." What talent do you present to the world on live television?
LEANPOCKET: I'm not really a talented oriented person outside of the RTCW realm....
The big man's head hangs in shame for a brief moment before the light in his eyes brightens.
LEANPOCKET: BUT I do make some mean BBQ fajitas that are worthy of praise!!!
CW: So maybe a future host for a cooking show?
LEANPOCKET: One day! crosses fingers.
CW: Okay, now to the important stuff. Zombie apocolypse goes down. People are running for their lives. Roves of angry rapists scour the streets for prey. Women grow beards. I grow ungodly amounts of muscle. What's your role in the end of the world?
LEANPOCKET: That's easy. I'm a driver. If you want to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible, then I'm your guy. I also double as a mechanic, so the two go hand in hand majestically.
CW: Tell me more.
LEANPOCKET: I've got my 2004 Cadillac cts; v Headers, borla exhaust, built tranny (by yours truly) dyno tuned. Full suspension.
CW: Faster than Kittens?
LEANPOCKET: Guaranteed.
CW: I don't want to keep you late from your lunch. Any last shoutouts, comments, challenges or personal attacks you want to make?
LEANPOCKET: Shoutout to my boy Brujah; I wouldn't have come back to play wolf if it wasn't for him asking me to play again. Timer: funniest dude to converse with on Teamspeak and play Killing Floor with. Spuddy and Troll for putting up with my noob play. Also, let Deadeye and Bassman know I have my demos ready for review at their convenience. Troll's nades are better than Caff's nades. Oh and I'd like to honorably mention Meshugga, Virus, Gut's Beard, Source, Knifey, Shrubnub and Likethat. Oh and Snappas.
He gave me a few farewell gifts: some gigantic belt buckles custom engraved with a picture of him lifting what looks like 450 lbs of cold, hard iron, in addition to a Texas tourist pamphlet that only read "Texas > You" in every possible blank space. Classy. But my favorite was the BBQ fajitas he had wrapped in tinfoil for my ride home. They were as good going out as they were going in, if you know what I mean.
I gotta admit, the southern hospitality was there. I left Texas inspired to lift more weights, eat healthier, drive a nicer car and to refocus my soul to the almighty headshot. Perhaps Texas wasn't as bad as I thought...I'll get used to all the nut sweat I'm sure.
Ambiguously Gay Trio have made a statement, for sure. Their most important match of the season will come soon against the also undefeated Ringers. While it's doubtful that a win or a loss will have much effect on their playoff aspirations, it may very well be the first glimpse of the first Crossbirdz 3v3 Championship final. And that's an exciting prospect indeed.